It's real

It surprises me how strong I've been. Maybe I do under estimate myself after all. Looking back at my older posts and then looking at my latest one, I realize how much I over came and let go off in the past month. All those things That tore me down while erecting walls of steel around my heart;those things that I thought I could never move past, all seem a murky haze now. A phase maybe I won't forget, but a phase that I have now let go. It would be unfair if I took credit for the whole thing.The place I'm at is comforting as I see myself happy. Not for someone else, not for those around me, but happy for Me. All those wounds have healed and all the scabs are lost. He came along like an rainbow in a storm, just to fix everything. Taught me  how to love again and how to trust. Showed me sides of me I've never seen before and gave me love I've never felt before.
I see the walls crumbling to the ground and I see myself being me again. The cynic in me is lost again and I've never been more glad.
thank you for being the person you are.

Such a Panda, you.

Dream

A little of something is always beautiful. a little love, a little laugh, a little smile and a little mystery.
So what is this? I've never felt this way before and it's beautiful. a feeling of excitement, of mystery and small expectations brewing at the back of my mind as each day passes.it makes me so happy and I feel so protected, yet I'm so scared.
you tell me you love me, everyday.It was too soon the first time? I still think so. You're sure you said. You won't stop until you get what you want.
I've never been so loved before, I've never seen or felt love, you said. The way you look at me gives me butterflies in my tummy and even now I get fidgety each time I see you. 
Waiting everyday for the evening cause I know you would be there waiting just to take me home, like a prince would for a princess. You make me feel like a Princess.
Every evening I'd make you take me to a different place to eat. You never say a word or sneer. You smile and wait for me to finish. you wipe the crumbs off my face and then kiss me on the cheek. I trip and tumble and you catch me before I fall. I wobble your bike like humpty dumpty and you get even that sorted. You look at me when no ones looking and you speak the words I leave un spoken.You say the things I never say. You do all those things for me, that no one has ever done before. And all that at the cost of one smile. I thought I knew myself better than anyone else. Until you came along.
You make my life a fairy tale. With finely drawn outlines and beautiful colours to fill up all the empty spaces. Stars so bright and the sky always clear. With everything so perfect and nothing spilled over. You tell a story when you say nothing at all.
I don't know what this is but you got me falling for it. I know what I'm scared of. I'm scared it would all go away. It seems too good to be true.
How can you love me so much?
Like you know me better than I know myself.
Like you love me more than I love myself.


If this is a dream, I never want to wake up. 

 I feel it.

music mind mash

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
life is a maze and love is a riddle.
the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time.
Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
And baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
but you put on quite a show, really had me going.
Now that it's all said and done I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down like an old abandoned house.
You tell me your life's been way offline
you're falling to pieces every time.
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same.
But
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.

Something

Someone told me there is something somewhere for everyone which that someone eventually some how finds.
But what it is, where it's located, How to get there. Nobody knows; Such are the mysteries of life. What a life.
I wonder what that something is that everyone around the world is telling someone about, maybe it's carefree life.
Maybe it is a ray of life sparkles because a glittery life is always the better option, or maybe this something is nothing.
Until that day when I find this something somewhere that someone told me about, I'll be here. My somewhere with little somethings.

I am a Star

Well, here I am, sitting in front of my laptop at 10:19a.m. blogging instead of studying for an exam I am ever so unprepared for; Some how, it doesn't bother me. Nothing seems to bother me and I don't think it's a good thing. I see myself turning oblivious to the world around me and not batting my eye lid a time extra, for anyone. Whether its something I did to myself, or it's the circumstances that took the better of me and this was the only solution, I cannot really tell. You know that feeling, when the pain as abyss as the valley of darkness-unexpected, unforeseen, that immeasurable, epitomizing pain, takes over your view towards everything? NUMB.
Yes, that's what i feel-numb;to the narrowest passage in my body. It hurts so much yet doesn't hurt at all. A part of me seems to die, for each day that I need to put on that mask of happiness and live in false pretense because the world loves looks that are deceiving. Mine, deceiving them indeed.
As much as it hurts to plaster a smile, it takes an equivalent sum of energy to go on an emotional binge that no one around you wants to see and to top it all, knowing that you are being judged through the entire scenario.
Alone Together. Alone, with no one else in our world yet together with each other. The one sentence that could describe all that it was whilst it was. I loved it, every moment, every second and there is no denying that, there is not a single thing in this world that can remove or tamper with any of those memories. No, not even now. It was something special, something like no other, something so envied, so looked upon with awe by those who longed and those who lost. Now I'm in that line that lost. I guess it wasn't a story of 'Happily ever after' but more of a 'Happy while it lasts'.
I think I can find the parts of me that I lost along the way, revive those bits that are numb, cure the bits that are bleeding and maybe even find new bits to fill in the extra space. I have not lost hope and I am certain of that. This is just my time off to heal..

...to become even brighter than the star I was.

words.

non stop. paddle pop. gum drops. sticky mops.
words. random. vague.
certain. specific. meaningful.
happy scene. smiles. laughter. rolling.
tears. crying. sad scene.
fear. disappointment. uncertainty.
pain. hurt. sorrow.
time. fate. destiny.
ambiguous. confusion. dilemma.
muddle. puddle. lost.
hurdles. obstacles. ego.
fear. contempt. anger.
rage. fume. tears.
growth. flowering. maturity.  
Apologies. tears. Forgiveness?

Bursting Balloons

Little did I know that balloons could pop with air!
So, it was one of my closest friend's birthday today and she really wanted helium filled balloons. Susanna and I, being the kindest souls we are, rode all the way from home to cubbon park.Found the balloon man missing.Got his number.Called him.Tracked him down.Bought balloons. Then STOP.

Well, not stop but almost. Us, the two happening individuals, riding at the speed of 60 had to drop to 16 to keep the balloons from popping.Braving nature-nothing but a segment of fantasy.We didn't succeed completely, but only 3 popped out of 20, so props to us!
Ammu absolutely loved it and couldn't believe it. You really should have seen the awe and happiness glistening off her face;it made all the effort worth it.
We ate, we laughed, we ate some more!
Chocolate cake. mac and cheese. cheesy fries.
then to some good music, some funny music and some bizarre videos.
beer for them, cheers for us.

Today was a fun day!
Happy Birthday Ammu! <3

Life Is A Beach

There comes a time they say, when you realize, all that matters is not what is around but that what is within.

Now with that killer line for a start and some attention grabbing, let me go back to  my mediocre, amateur writing.I never knew the power of emotion or the magnitude of the effect it can have on an individual until most recently. No, I do not live in a cave and make conversation with bats at wee hours of the night that I have had no experience of emotion or that I have not been with others through emotional turmoil. I have, I live a perfectly normal life, with perfectly normal people around me... well most of them, and do all the normal things that normal people do; unless if they are weird things that I think are normal, then I'm a normal person in my world of weirdos.cheers to that!
Anyway, getting back to what I was saying, yes. I have seen my friends be in pain, pain from failure, pain from loss, pain from heart break or sometimes even that pain you feel but have absolutely no idea why you feel it? yes, even that.through all that, I have been there, watched, sympathized but never actually knew the depth of emotion that they felt.
Maybe I was not mature enough, or maybe I was oblivious.I have always been the repressive type. I don't feel cause I don't let myself feel.To me feeling is positive one second; the second you enjoy the look of that bright caramel coated cherry on top of your sundae; but once you eat it, its gone and all you are left with is a bowl full of emptiness. A little too pessimistic, you think? maybe. Honestly reading back I'd second your opinion, but I can't run from the truth can I? That is me. the person I am, what was around couldn't affect my within cause I would never let it go there.
But slowly, as days passed, I could see myself grow from that girl who was in fear of facing emotion to that woman who aced it like a combatant.Involuntarily, I saw my mind letting me feel each emotion, the joy, the laughter, the happiness. It wasn't all cheerful and pleasant, I knew exactly what was coming, the sorrow, the tears, the pain, the black hole that I knew all about which was my reason for anesthesia. I guess my mind knew what was best for me after all.
Yes it all came, it was not easy, it is not easy as a matter of fact. there are tears, a lot of tears-uncalled for, unexpected.Pain, a gushing pain slaying my veins as is runs through. Disappointment lurking from the pitch dark blind spot of my soul.I felt it, everything. It was difficult. Impossible almost. I have never seen myself overtly so expressive. I guess it was just one of those times where the mind knows what you want more than you do.
So yes, I braved it.And I can confidently say, I am a stronger, more mature, more composed individual now that I let loose. I will still have those moments, I know there will still be heart clenching agony but I will let myself feel it all and rise above it.
 You need to get back to shore once in a while to admire the beauty of the sea.I am almost half way there and I am still swimming with my head well above the water, because in the end all that matters most to me, is me.

How I wish you were mine

 I'd do anything to have you. climb mountains, walk a 1000 miles, wait at the corner of the street forever if you'd come! promise.
The things I would do to get a vespa! isn't it the most adorable thing ever?Its not just any other scooter, there's something about it, so inviting! maybe its the bright colours it comes in or the retro elements or maybe the amount of romance attached to it. I don't blame the movie makers, it really is so adorable & can you imagine it at a wedding as the get away vehicle?That is so awwwwwww.


The Vespa, manufactured by Piaggio, an Italian Scooter brand, means 'wasp'. yes, Vespa means 'wasp' in Italian. but honestly I think its more of a beetle than a wasp.Don't you? beetles are obviously way cuter!

Speaking of Beetles, I want a Beetle! (no I do not mean the insect or the band, in case you are wondering).


its cute that love & hugs come free, but it wouldn't hurt to tag one of these onto the love! 

Until then, I'll love my rodeo.

peek-a-boo!

So, who are you? yes you whoever you are reading this right now, Don't pretend like this never happened & that you don't constantly stalk me just to know how awesome Ive gotten with the passing of each day.I don't blame you, I am pretty damn awesome & stalk worthy aren't I?yeah, Modesty doesn't come easy to me. I wonder what you are thinking while you read what I have to say, I hope in some way I inspire atleast one person in a week.( in a day, is like asking for all the cake in the world. not happening) I wonder if I've inspired you? if you are here, looking at this post, not for the first time, I guess I have.Even if denied by you, cause if there wasn't anything at all that caught your attention, you wouldn't be back here will you?
yeah this is pretty random.Just felt the need to acknowledge your anonymous presence that's all! read on :) go ahead.

 I'm getting late for class now! yes, it begins today! pray this time. I LEARN.

Yummy in my Tummy

Jelly. we all eat jelly. I love jelly! who doesn't love jelly? everybody loves jelly.
Yes, Im going high on jelly but seriously, its on hell of a culinary invention! At anytime, any where its awesome & helps successfully in overcoming any highly emotional state that one maybe faced with.( yes Im trying to sound intellectual, all I mean is its great comfort food) I got thinking, Ive been eating jelly for what seems like forever now but never thought about it & I felt it was about time it got the attention it needed!
No, a blob of jelly didn't protect the US from Osama, neither did it successfully stop an earth quake; but come on! it sure did lighten up the mood when I was so angry I could kill someone and it just sat there at the table, wobbling away. You may find my sense of humor a bit bizarre but  IT WAS SERIOUSLY HIGHLY AMUSING.
getting back to what I was trying to say, jelly is awesome!

Okay I need to go now... my jelly awaits!

Slow & steady. Getting No where.

Cars should come with drivers. Like a package deal. 15 hours of class, 2 sessions, 25 days. WASTED. & now what? 2 more weeks. Ive reached a point where I'm doubting my abilities & wondering if its me or the car? its me? yeah its me. Driving is fun, so Ive heard. Maybe if I succeed in controlling the car first.I can drive forever with the instructor & his parallel controls. Really, no jokes, I can put F1 drivers to shame that way, but on my own? lets just say... The sky is back to being blue. maybe, someday!

3 cheese pizzas? yum.

Converging Rainbows

When you’re lying down & thinking everything is going wrong,
Wondering why sometimes life is such a sad Ballad;
You want to run, you want to cry, you want to scream cause you Don’t know why,
just lay back & dream that happy dream..

The one that made u laugh, the one that brought a smile,
Leave back every apprehension, forget every opinion.
They maybe family, they maybe friends,
But in the end it all boils down to self defense.

Do what brings you joy: the silence is too loud.
Look for that voice inside your head waiting to be heard.
Its running, it’s screaming, it’s tripping, it’s falling...
...Why don’t u get it? All your mind wants is what your heart desires...

Pick yourself up, put back the broken pieces, and find new ones that need to be found.
It’s really not about what they think, it’s about how u feel.
If it brings u joy, it brings you laughter & every moment is cherished after,
there is nothing wrong, in living not knowing what’s right.

After all, who is to decide what’s wrong or right? People who are people just like u?
So go make that dream a reality,
Live a happy life cause in the end we all know,

 The mind wants only what the heart desires.

Bright Darkness

Some journeys seem to go on forever
drag you through each day
you don’t know what you’re doing there
so secure but so astray.

You see the light to something new
something so inviting.
You feel the light trapping you
your fate if you only knew.

A journey ended before it began
but hurt more than ever
watch things crumble before your eyes,
leaves you like a river that never dries.

You try to move back
it pulled you forward
but when you took one step ahead
it thrust you two steps back.

Those sweet little nothings
always meant something.
You don’t know how to move,

You don’t know where to go.

That moment you realize nothings new,
if only u had thought things through.
You know u need not be glum or blue
you know u deserve to breathe anew.